Dear Mommy

I really wish I could call you up on the phone...even just to hear your voice. I wish so badly that I could watch you love my children...your grandbabies. There are so many times I want to ask you for advice or just know more about the past. Wouldn't you be having a ball seeing us follow your footsteps in homeschooling our kids? I'm sure you would have so many ideas for me! And even though I never enjoyed it in the moment, I miss your hard questions that would force me to reflect on my choices and whether there was a higher road. There really isn't anybody who does that in my life like you did.

Those are all things I missed about you as I stood at your grave on Mothers' Day. This year the pain of missing you and the hole you left behind was greater than I had expected. As I tried to hold back the emotion, Josh looked at me and immediately sensed my sadness. His tender heart was moved and he gently touched my hand and said, "Daddy, can we pray to Jesus since Mommy is sad because Grandma is gone?" Matt responded, " that's a very good idea...why don't you pray Josh?" Josh clasped his hands and began the sweetest and most earnest little prayer. He prayed that Jesus would help me not to be so sad...he prayed about how he missed meeting you...but then what ministered to my aching heart was when he thanks God that you were in Heaven with Jesus and he thanked Jesus that "Grandma doesn't ever have to worry about anything anymore". In that moment I couldn't hold the emotion back anymore. Tears began to flow as I was filled with gratitude for you and the peace and joy you know. And although sometimes I just want to sit in my sadness of the things I missed getting to do with you, I knew that what I wanted was to be thankful. 

Often people don't realize what they have before they lose it...and I am so grateful that I always knew I had an exceptional mother! I knew I was very blessed to be your daughter. I'm thankful that you shared your heart with us so we really knew who you were...you didn't wait till we were adults to be real with us. You trusted us with deep emotion. You believed in me more than I have ever believed in myself. You had huge dreams and high standards. Sometimes that created some overly emotional conversations! But I knew that I was blessed to have a Mom who always pushed me to a higher standard all the while never letting me forget how much you loved me. I don't think I ever once doubted that you loved me.

I still am sad that I don't get to learn more from you now as a mom and wife. But thank you Mommy, for all the personal sacrifices you made for me. For always quickly forgiving me. For always giving me lots of affection. For believing in my best. For showing me how to passionately love God. For your humility. For the countless prayers you offered up to God on my behalf.

I loved you so so much...and always will be thankful for you.

Love,
Your Bekah